so instead of studying/doing my assignment worth 10% of my grade, i’m going to write here for a little while. going out last night, especially like that, made me miss him far more than i expected. i’m not ready as much as i would like to be, to be moving on just yet it seems. i need to learn to be alone but how long is this going to take? last time in a couple months i wasnt thinking about him everyday anymore. i can only hope that it will get to that point soon enough so i can start progressing and doing other things with my life other than getting wasted every so often to try and forget how i’m feeling. i dont even know how i’m feeling anymore. i just know i feel a little emptier than i would like to. who knows if thats a good thing. its almost  been 3 weeks - lets make time roll by a little quicker here.

halloween weekendd. so pumped to go out with people i havent seen in foreverr. then its back to studying for an exam monday and then an exam the following thursday. debating on whether i should go to virginia, although i’m tempted to. i havent been down there since freshman year and it’d be nice to back track on my memories. and florida. maybe this will be a month filled with traveling and fun. but no, gotta study for MCATS. hopefully this will make me work extra hard?

i’m so excited to finish this year and to see where next year will take me. i dont want to leave tcnj but at the same time i cant wait. i’ve always had problems moving on with anything in my life but im so anxious to see whats in store. whether i move back north or slightly more south, i just want to get away from this mundane lifestyle that is tcnj. sure, its fun to party with the same people ALL THE TIME, but i think its time for a change. i’ve made some great friends here, most definitely, but the people you care about you’ll definitely see again. thats my motto - and its held true since high school so i must have one thing right in this fucked up life of mine.

bleh.

tensions:

(via gatekeeper)

loveyourchaos:

owltreethree:

zoee:

Death Cab for Cutie - Soul Meets Body

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

kayeotic:

fashionfever:

parisbunny:

(via yolondanicole)

(via loveyourchaos)

my ankle is swollen, my legs feel like i’ve worked them out for 24 hours straight and my arms are sore. wooo homecoming. i love to dance, dont get me wrong - it definitely releases my stress and keeps my mind off things which i especially need now. but there’s so many other things going on I need to focus on. I have an exam Thursday that i literally need to ace to have a chance to do well in this class and an exam Monday, hwk assignment for next Thursday, then exam Monday again. why do professors do this? do they think its funny to torture us for two straight weeks with exams? i need to seriously crack down on my MCAT studying tho. Jan 30 - i dont want to change it, i probably wont change it, but i need to do well and instead i’m dancing my ass off. i dont regret agreeing to do hc dance, but it definitely was not in my best interest to be involved on this team right now. whatever, i cant take it back. the performance is in 3-4 days so when this is over, im gonna get serious (hopefully).

talking with a friend today really helped me think about everything thats going on personally. although it hasnt been a week im definitely back to where i was last time this happened but 2 months in which is surprising to me. maybe  bc i expected this to happen again i suppose. i mean, why should things be any different than the last 5 times. its almost pathetic - 5 times and like that taking back sunday song “you could slit my neck and i’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt” type love? thats insane but i guess i’ve felt like that for so long that pride isnt a factor anymore - although in any relationship it should be. i want to be chased and i want to feel loved. theres two extremes for boyfriends AND girlfriends mind you. you either want your space or you dont want any. i’m one of those that doesnt want any. when i have a bf if i had the choice i’d do almost everything with them but thats just me. maybe i give too much and i need to save that for the “one.” i gave that ass so many things too - but like my mom said. if you cant afford to give, dont give. otherwise dont be a beggar and take back. shes right, you look ridiculous which im sure i have a few times. regardless i hope he keeps wearing all of the clothes i’ve bought him and he can think about me every single time he looks at it. never gave me shit so i cant say i’d have the same reaction to anything in my room. self-respect starts here. miss independent, 2009. i’m gonna be the biggest bitch in the world when it comes to guys from how on, thanks to that one useless ass motherfucker.

whatever thats over. i hate it when theres one person that could always help you get through this type of issue and they’re TAKEN. but whatever its not the end of the world. ladies def have it the easiest at 21. go to bars, get some numbers, flirt a little - it definitely helps. no sex for awhile though, gonna relax on that for a little bit. sex makes shit too complicated, esp since im not tryna hop back into a relationship or anything. guys with that are so much worse than girls. i can honestly say that the one nights stands ive had were strictly for one night stands. but men take it so personally. automatically think its supposed to lead to something i’m pretty sure we never made a commitment prior to that so what makes you think i legit want you to be my bf? men need to relax a little - give women room to breathe and maybe that swagga will get you your lady. otherwise, like the majority of the men i’ve met, it jus becomes a turn off.

cant wait till halloweeeen - gonna do the army thing or the dominatrix thing. we’ll see which works out better. trying to make my own costume is def time consuming but it’ll be worth it if i can save 50 bucks to drink with that night. soo excited, i’m gonna spend it with an old…acquaintance i should say so we’ll see where that goes. hopefully this isnt a mistake but womens intuition i think i’ll be fine.

you know, i’m sitting here and thinking how fast this has happened. the past five times were, as i’ve said, nothing like this one. those took me months to even bring myself to give my number to anyone because it didnt feel right. now, for some reason, i feel free again. maybe i miss dating, i don’t know. i think ultimately i miss being cared about - and i never got that from him. yea its one thing to know someone loves you, but when everything that happens contradicts those three little words, then you’re missing the point of a relationship i suppose. i’m happy i can wake up in the morning and not feel like ass about what happened. in reality i do miss him, but i miss the person i thought he was. now its time to say my final goodbyes and for the last time, move on.